


coping mechanisms

by ignitesthestars



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Relationship, Romance, archive tag refers to taako; he gets better, this is stolen century stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 11:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11713038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ignitesthestars/pseuds/ignitesthestars
Summary: The first time Taako dies, it’s like having her soul torn in half (and there’s Barry, not trying to stitch her back together again, just cupping the pieces of her in his hands until she’s ready to do something with them).





	coping mechanisms

The worst part is that Lup doesn’t even see it happen.

She feels it, though. Gods, does she feel it. One second, life is adrenaline and panicked, laughing banter. Sure, this planar system is ten kinds of messed up and she’s burning spell slots against a veritable fucking army of demons, but they aren’t dead yet and--

And then the world ends.

It doesn’t even grant her the courtesy of stopping. Taako is there turning imps into tomatoes or some shit, and then he’s dead and there are still demons bearing down on her and Magnus, and that’s the last coherent thought Lup has for the next little while.

 _(I’ve never seen anything like it_ , Magnus will whisper to Davenport later, when they think she’s unconscious. _Like. Dude, I’m pretty sure most of those things had fire resistance, but they’re still ash now.)_

 _(I’m sorry_ , Magnus will whisper through the door to her room later, when he thinks that’s where she’s retreated. _I’m sorry, and I know that does fuck all but I’m still sorry. I’ll do better next time. I’ll protect you all next time.)_

Like that isn't a fucking horror show in and of itself, this endless cycle of regeneration that had seemed so fascinating when someone else’s soul was dying (and it's maybe here that the seed is planted about acceptable levels of sacrifice, about how her willingness to put Taako over anyone else makes her _unqualified_ to decide if entire worlds get to die).

 _It might best to leave her alone for now,_ Lucretia suggests, and that's when Lup has to leave the Starblaster because the other woman's softness only rubs the jagged edges of her raw. She wants to scream, wants to _hurt_ because she doesn't want to be alone, she's never been alone in her life to know how.

She doesn't run into Merle, which is probably a good thing. There's nothing he could have done if he'd been three, but he wasn't there so Lup’s brain is running rampant with the possibilities anyway. She's so caught up in her own head, she doesn't notice the footsteps behind her, falling heavier than her own.

This planet is a desolate wasteland, scorched by what Lup can only term a metric fuckton of magic battles. Glass crunches under her feet, jagged and black, and something ugly stirs in the pit of her stomach. 

She doesn't recognise it. 

Yet.

“So, uh.” Barry Bluejeans clears his throat behind her. “At first I thought you knew I was with you, and then I realised I wasn't sure, but it had sort of been too long to bring it up without being awkward. And then I realised that I'm pretty much awkward with you all the time anyway, so - that doesn't matter, I'm sorry, my point was that I can go if you want, or I’m happy to stay. Whatever you need.”

The thing is, Lup really hadn’t known he was there. And yet it somehow seems like the most obvious thing in the world once he announces his presence, which is maybe why she doesn’t just start running.

She tips her head over one shoulder instead, the mockery of a smile stretching her mouth. Lup is used to Barry’s eyes sliding away from hers, like he’s not quite sure if he’s allowed to look at her, but he’s steady now. There’s a part of her that hates that, hates that somehow _now_ is the time that he can hold himself together when she’s not even sure what’s left of her.

“Babe, I don’t have a fucking clue what I need right now.”

She waits almost eagerly for him to apologise again. For him to trip and stumble his way through some sort of platitude, remind her that it’s only temporary, that Taako will be back again when they’ve left this world behind to whatever version of death and destruction they win for it this time.

There is a violent, hurt thing inside of her and Barry is the excuse she needs to set it free. She can be cruel to him, some distant part of her realises, tear into him to make a mirror for her pain and he’ll forgive her for it anyway. Because he’s Barry, and he means it when he says _whatever you need_.

Except--

Except he doesn’t apologise, and there are no platitudes in his face or his throat. He just nods, processing, before tucking his hands into the pockets of his robes. They’re unbuttoned over his clothes, a plain white shirt hastily tucked into the old reliable jeans, like he’d had to hurry to follow her.

“That’s okay,” he says, stepping towards her. The glass crunches under his boots, which aren’t laced. “We can just keep walking.”

Lup stares at him. She’s not sure for how long, but in all that time, Barry doesn’t look away. Doesn’t speak either, doesn’t try to force any kind of acceptance or comfort onto her.

Something in the base of her spine unknots. Her shoulders sag, and she turns away to gaze out at the desolate horizon of a broken world.

“Yeah,” she rasps, holding her hand back to him. “Yeah, okay. Let’s walk.”


End file.
